dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
