i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
