its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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