I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
