There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
and she was petting her beer can
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
