Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
