who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
