I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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