Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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