saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
