Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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