Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
