I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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