90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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