I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
