He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
