My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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