the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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