id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
