Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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