I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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