Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
