Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
