I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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