He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
