The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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