Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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