If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
