there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
