I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
