i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
