I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
