Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
