I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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