A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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