I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
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