I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
