After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
