Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
