oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so that wasnt chicken after all
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
