i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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