Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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