So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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