Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
