Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
