I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
