So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We have started to decorate penises.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A bitchslap is in order.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
