I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
