Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
