come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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